The Perfectionist Trap: Why ‘Having it all’ might not be all it’s cracked up to be

For as long as I can remember I have been in awe of people who seemingly ‘have it all.’ Every time I open my social media, I’m greeted by the highlight reels of colleagues, friends, and influencers - all looking effortlessly perfect. But lurking beneath the surface of those perfect images is often a struggle that few talk about: the perfectionist trap.

In our hyper-connected, comparison-driven world, the allure of perfection has never been stronger. But as much as society glorifies ‘having it all,’ it rarely delves into the sacrifices, pressures, and detrimental mental health consequences the chase of this can bring.

While striving for perfection can propel you to work hard and achieve your goals, it's a double-edged sword and the impact on me and my relentless pursuit lead to:

• Burnout: Overextending myself quickly lead to exhaustion.

• Fear of Failure: I’m not really big on reading my star sign but the one thing that is spot on with me being a Virgo, is that I am a perfectionist! My fear of failure is so severe at times that it’s had me questioning my entire life choices, not to mention the amount of missed opportunities.

• Procrastination: Waiting for the 'perfect' moment or idea has stalled progress. I tell people all the time to just start! But I struggle with this and taking my own advice is hard.

• Anxiety and Depression: Constantly feeling like you're not 'enough' can wreak havoc on your mental health. This took a long time for me to truly believe that I was enough, but I know through experience, that so many others never get there.

The other aspect to understand are the myths around ‘having it all’. These are the narratives that we are fed which keeps us in the trap, constantly chasing something that doesn’t exist!

1. It's Achievable for Everyone: The image of ‘having it all’ often requires a slew of resources - time, money, support systems, that not everyone has access to. If anyone ever says to me, ‘we all have the same 24 hours in a day’ it literally makes me want to punch them in the face. We don’t all have the same starting point. Understanding privilege is imperative here, you are not failing, your start line is just a lot further back from others, keep going, the finish line is in the same place, you will and can get there.

2. It Guarantees Happiness: Many who seemingly ‘have it all’ still grapple with personal struggles, dissatisfaction, and the quest for purpose. Perception is everything and looking into what you perceive as someone else’s reality is rarely the reality they are living. Do not put anyone up on a pedestal based on superficial and materialistic aspects such as physical appearance, what car they are driving or how luxury their latest holiday looked, true happiness is so much deeper than that.

3. It's a Static State: Life is dynamic. Even if you feel you ‘have it all’ at one moment, things change, and new challenges arise. For example, that ‘perfect’ job can be lost or the ‘perfect’ relationship can end. You can lose it all in the blink of an eye, but likewise you can ‘win’ it all just as fast. Time passes whether you want to stay still or not, and things change whether you accept it or not. The only thing that is constant in life, is change. Embrace it.

Once you understand the myths, you can start to unpick some of the narrative and put some actions in place to move yourself forward. I used to find staying in my own lane difficult, but now I am clear on what success looks like to me, I very rarely leave it. The starting point to figuring this out is pretty straight forward but it requires a lot of thought and honesty with yourself.

Start with redefining what success looks like to you, not what you think success looks like to others and not what you think society says is success, but what does it look like to you? Write it down. This will show you where your starting point is compared to where you want to be. While you are doing this exercise keep in mind the following:

• Self-awareness: Understand your true desires, no matter how big they may be, be really honest with yourself. Think about who you really want to be, what you really want to do and what you really want to have.

• Self-compassion: Celebrate your achievements to date, no matter how small, and show kindness to yourself when you think about things that didn’t go so well.

• Balance: Understand that it's ok not to be perfect in every area of life. Give yourself permission to prioritise, meaning that success in one area of your life right now, may mean that another area temporarily needs to take a back seat.

As you start to move forward towards your goals, the following mindset shifts and actions may also help in keeping you out of the perfectionist trap:

• Embrace Imperfection: Remember that growth comes from learning, stumbling, and getting back up. This has hands down been the hardest lesson I have had to learn but has also given me my biggest rewards.

• Limit Social Media: Reduce exposure to constant comparison triggers. I came off social media for 6 months and loved it. I now try to use it purposely and have regular social media detoxes.

• Seek Support: Talk to friends, mentors, or therapists about your feelings. You're not alone in this journey. I thought I could do things on my own, that it was weak to ask for help. This narrative I told myself kept me stuck for 7 years!

• Focus on the Journey: Instead of obsessing over the end result, find joy in the process. Even if you never get to the result you had originally planned for, you will have moved a hell of a lot closer to it, what’s the saying? Shoot for the moon and if you miss, you’ll land among the stars? Something like that but you understand my point?

The last thought I will leave you with is this, while the modern world may glorify the image of ‘having it all,’ it's essential to remember that perfection is an illusion, it’s not real and not tangible. The quest for it can lead to more harm than good, but by recognising the pitfalls of the perfectionist trap and redefining success on your terms, you can cultivate a fulfilling life, free from the relentless pressures of unrealistic expectations.

Live life on your terms.